Album length – 54:26
Finished on 2009
Released on 2024-12-23
Released on Electron Emitter

 

Released under alias Au.B.

 

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If you keep making music about discovery, we will make the Reality in which you live so miserable, you will not have any joy in exploring it.

 

The spawn of an alter-ego for this euphoria infested world of liars, to feed it a mandatory supply of garbage to make them fuck off, in order to have time for what makes it worth the effort.

 

The album is trying to disguise itself in what this Reality prefers and completely fails.

 

 

Part 7 out of 8 from Joy of Creation.

 


7. Try Again

 

Try again at what?

 

Due to extensive efforts and almost no positive feedback coming from the reality in regards to my noises, I tried to repurpose music in such a way that I would still enjoy making it, but make it somewhat likeable for people around.

 

No one seems to like melodies and pianos. Let‘s make a track about hating a piano. Which wasn‘t hard – I didn‘t like the sound of the piano already, as I found it as boring as the guitar.

 

Let‘s try making it fun, instead of just desire.

 

Try again at communication.

 

Instead of making music that is noise, I experimented with idea explanation, exploration, explosion, or exp something, and figured that people like noisy loud music.

 

Let‘s make it distorted loud.

 

It started getting a very specific inscripted meaning – a wish to be understood and listened to. I have things to say, since I’m inspired by exploration, derivation, and explanation.

 

If left alone and allowed to do what I want with the available things, I made noises and planets and stuff, so I drew a conclusion that I‘m naturally capable of said things. I‘m naturally good at it, therefore I have found out who I am the best to be, rather than what makes me to be the best.

 

Let‘s try again at giving the reality a use for it.

 

Music can be fun, it does not have to be plain information or speech – it can be entertaining.

 

Or information and speech given in an entertaining manner, rather than exploratory, intellectual, and focused. Less …boring!?

 

 

This results in less chaotic beat patterns, a lot noisier, punchier, easier to grasp music. You‘d call it having more groove, which I think is a stupid term.

 

In a way, my music loses half of its original character that was goofy and ridiculous, wrapped in inscripted ideas. It becomes a lot more predictable, yet still retaining the quirky character that was my enjoyment for unusual ideas.

 

I would still continue on my fucking mission to prove to these idiots that 4/4 is the definition of boring.

 

 

Except that at this age, the cool factor becomes one of the most important things, that means that fitting into the social circle you’re in becomes one of the most important things for everyone.

 

Finding their functional place in the conditions they‘re in.

 

But oh no, this smart creative nice is not as smart as he should be, grades should be 10/10 all the fucking time. Are you still making those weird noises?

 

Fuck off, I will simply not agree until you try to listen. I just stopped attending, waking up, and caring altogether.

 

You‘re doing the exact opposite of what would be good by my morality, because you rely on the morality of the conditions, that you claim you admire, which is a lie.

 

The morality does not work the way you fantasize, it‘s a communication between two or more entities, rather than being the only moral „right“ we‘re all supposed to mindlessly follow because this brings order.

 

Your order is not in order at all and I‘m not the only one unable to effectively use your limited language.

 

You admire and cherish the ones that seemingly listen to you, while they make fun out of your surname and entire family, spreading false rumours behind your back. Why? Because they play both ends of the morality.

 

And you hate me, who has the honesty to directly tell you what I think of you and what I’m going to do if you don’t listen.

 

You’d rather live a lie than solve the truth.

 

Why?

 

Why do you have to be this pathetic?

 

 

Trust is impossible, if I have to believe that you’re the person you’re portraying yourself as. Unless you’re open on who you are and why, tell me why, explain why, I cannot correctly assume who you are. I’m forced to project, fill in the missing bits by myself, in which case I’ll be biased by what I expect. This becomes my Bias.

 

And I have a problem.

 

I have no information about you. You seem to be exactly the same, compared to every each of them.

 

I can‘t even interpolate, since there‘s nothing in between.

 

And you blame me, for being different – having something to say.

 

 

While my beat-bass oriented garbage seemed to attract more positive reinforcement, by saying I‘m heading towards the right direction, now I should add vocals, I figured that it‘s not the direction I want to take.

 

I don‘t want to make music that you want to listen.

 

I want you to listen to what I have to say.

 

Otherwise, everyone will be the same – I don‘t need you as a friend, because it doesn‘t make you different compared to everyone else.

 

Then I should just actively pick the prettiest, smartest, most performing specimen as a prize for my ability to distinguish good things by your moral standard.

 

And you consider this morality, the „right“ one?

 

Hate me if you want to for it, but I seem to see more things than you and I want you to see them too.

 

This is no longer about my joy of creation, this is about collecting information for my own benefit.

 

This is the least useless thing I can do right now, since your way seems to guarantee the misery of living in a fantasy.

 

 

Instead, I focus on having fun. Having fun using the skills and the imagination that is limited the least – making music and being able to make music.

 

Except that I no longer get the simple and pure joy from making music, since every time I do it, I get the immediate subconscious reaction that it‘s useless to this reality, while I‘m stuck in it.

 

Do I have to deny reality, forget it, and just withdraw to my fantasy?

 

Withdrawal to fantasy just makes you exactly like them – sad boring depressed adults who knows things.

 

If my reality is not resembling my fantasy, it‘s not the reality that I‘m going to accept. Because I was trying to protect my desire from corruption. I was exactly like them, living in the fantasy that this reality doesn‘t support.

 

Except that my fantasy is communication and beauty, rather than nice and fuck. My beauty is understanding the way this universe operates. My communication is sharing the ability to speak, transcending the existing languages.

 

Having someone to talk to about that, in the first place.

 

 

It seems that I can act in such a way, that they prefer. Just don‘t squish something they don‘t like into them.

 

The wish for approval of my actions became so unbearably bad including the pressure to conform to this hypocritical morality, that going against everything seemed the most logical approach.

 

You keep your naughty little fun things to yourself and do the actual nasty with a group of idiots, because you found another group as even worse.

 

What a reality. Except it‘s slightly more fun and comfortable, than trying to adhere to this impossible moral standard drawn by failed fantasizers of nice and fuck.

 

Screw this. I want positive. I‘m having it. I don‘t want to drown in your projected misery.

 

 

And off we go, all of this garbage simply introduces self-doubt that was never apparent. I knew I could do everything I wanted to. I was the best at being myself.

 

Suddenly – I can‘t. There are better people than me. Was I unaware of them, or I didn‘t care?

 

That‘s because I‘m not myself anymore. That‘s why other people can be better at being someone else than me.

 

It‘s harder for me to be an idiot because you’re already stupid.

 

And I’m certainly not as good at being the likeable person by this person’s fantasies, as you, who is mindless and can simply become someone they’re not, only to fail at a personal level to be distinguishable.

 

Pretty easy to fill in an empty head with a bloated ego. You‘ll define good in such a way, that would make you accepted into the circle somebody else has put you in.

 

 

Being a hypocrite is a lot easier on the reality, but a lot harder on your morality, which screams in confusion every time you have to do the conflicting thing.

 

So what do I do? Talk to myself. Build my Fantasy into a world, a guide, an idea. A Dream. And keep it separate.

 

And create this separate entity, second face, second empathy, that fits the norm of Reality, to protect the Dream housed in the fragile moral entity, that values good on a personal scale, rather than the „correct“ moral scale.

 

Except that what this entity has to say is that it does not like me.