Album length – 1:14:07
Finished on 2007
Released on 2024-11-25
Released on Electron Emitter
A conflict between what this music is and what it was supposed to be, once it came in contact with formal education.
The joy of discovery driven experiments gets disapproved by the pressure of strict and ambiguous ideas of what you are supposed to say, according to the Reality.
Quirky and weird experiments with different ideas of having fun, clashing with disengagement from the Reality, in the way a seven year old would perceive it.
Part 3 out of 8 from Joy of Creation.
3. What Is This Music
What is This Music is a question that everyone asked upon being introduced to the massive catalogue of noises that I’ve made when I started going to school.
And everyone seemed to dislike everything about it. They seemed to like everything I disliked or hated, and belittled or made fun of things I did.
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„Why it doesn‘t have a rhythm, it‘s chaos, it doesn‘t have any words, it‘s unlistenable, they‘re all the same, this isn‘t music.“
You have no ears, you can‘t listen, you don‘t hear that it‘s rubbish, this doesn‘t sound musical, you can‘t play at all, can you play an instrument? You don‘t sing, I don‘t like it. This is rubbish.
Everyone, everywhere, any time of the day, upon hearing my noises greeted it with immediate disapproval and only focused on my grades.
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It immediately changed my music and the engagement that I was after. Suddenly I‘m creating music that sounds sad and I can very clearly recall engaging with music that sounds sad, melancholic, or other synonyms for depressed.
My mood or psychological state of not feeling welcomed after going out through the door, clearly told me to like or enjoy things, which made this situation somewhat more meaningful, rather than being plain bullying, sponsored by most of the teachers I came in contact with, when they learnt what kind of music I’m making.
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That led me to adopt a compensation mechanism that I was very aware of. I‘ve been told that I‘m smart, creative, nice, blablabla, everyone got these things told to them. Except for me, I was told in the way that – „you‘re smarter, that‘s why they don‘t understand you“.
Here I am thinking that everyone who doesn‘t like my music is an idiot and I‘m not going to listen to anyone who I don‘t approve.
My disapproval would be a response that I‘m smarter than them, that‘s why I dislike their tup-tis-to-tis.
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From people who had the authority to do so, I was pulled into a school band, as a flute player, since I was the coolest kid in class, with a flute we bought in a supermarket, rather than using the one provided by the school and I already had written my own pieces that I‘ve performed.
I was immediately discouraged by the teacher of the band, since I was told that I won‘t be able to compose my own tracks to perform, or play other instruments. But I had to attend, since I’m so musical all of a sudden, once I drew a couple of circles on lines, being one simple pattern, compared to the hundreds of tracks I had made already.
On the first day of having to attend the introduction, I figured – they can‘t make me go there. I don‘t want to and I‘m not going to play. They don‘t like me, and they want me to be like them.
Boring.
Why is it boring?
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I have made one composition on the flute and I was done with it – it served its purpose. This sound has been designated for this track only and I cannot use it on any other track, otherwise, it will sound like part of this track has been used on it.
I also knew that there were at least a dozen more ways of playing the flute, which may have been „wrong“, or in my understanding – getting extra sounds. Blowing too hard, too soft, or into the tone holes, into the other end, tapping it, covering the holes with loose tape, bla.
Which prompted doing somewhat similar things to every single thing I found in the computer – can I have extra?
Specific assignation of aural feelings or ideas created a need to differentiate the sounds themselves for each of the tracks, which prompted more attempts at experimenting with sound design. This made my music even more „mine” since I didn‘t want to be like „them“.
Like who?
The boring people that were stupid and bad, because they said mean things.
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In my childhood, everyone cared how well I did things I disliked, and blamed me for not liking them. No one could be bothered to ask what I liked to do, that I perceived I could do well.
Once introduced I immediately started to hate guitars, voice in music, drums, everything pop, everything dance, 4/4, everything that I couldn‘t differentiate from others.
That is why I was even more drawn to weird, unusual, processed, electronic, and glitchy sounds. You wouldn’t hear them anywhere else, they’re interesting and it literally sounded like smart music, due to that excuse I had.
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Upon ensuring that everyone is stupid and boring, thus not worth listening to, I figured out that everyone tries to be my friend.
The teachers and psychotherapists are just trying to make me be like them – stupid and boring, since they didn‘t like my music. They didn‘t hear my joy of discovery in the process.
I decided to simply continue to not agree.
It‘s my music you fuckers. It‘s about me, not about what you like, which is boring, because it has nothing to tell, no inscripted ideas into it other than a very gratifying idea about euphoria.
And only later I‘ve discovered where else you can perceive that inscripted idea – porn and superhero movies.
Which made both of them ridiculously repulsive.
Just because it had the same information everywhere.
It was a choice between my noises or the world.
I chose the noises.
And I had no one except for eww alongside them and this weird collection of Autechre.